At some point in life, we all face starting over. Redefining life when facing death, divorce, a broken engagement, an empty nest, a house fire or natural disaster, a life-altering health crisis or motor vehicle accident, a child’s learning disability, a job loss, a betrayal is not for the faint of heart.
When you are shaken to your core, it’s easy to think there is nothing left to believe in, no one left to trust, and no one who cares or really understands. You look in the mirror and see a stranger looking back. The person you ever hoped to be is gone.
You’ll never be the wife in the marriage you so desperately wanted but couldn’t quite hold on to.
You’ll never be the mom with the uncomplicated child to whom life comes easy . . . or maybe you’ll never be a mom at all.
You roll over and ignore the calendar on the day your former fiancé marries the one that replaced you.
That long worked for promotion or job went to someone else. At your stage of them game, you will never reach the goal line you can see but not quite touch.
I get that. I do. All of it. As I sit here writing this post, my life is in disarray – again.
Image courtesy of amenic181@FreeDigitalPhotos.net
Unemployment is wrecking havoc with our lives. Again. I know many other families are facing the same hard times. It’s cold comfort tho’, let me tell ya.
My hard fought for marriage of almost 28 years is seemingly beyond resuscitation. I wonder if I wasted all the grace and faith and hope and counseling and do over’s I have poured into it. I wonder who I will be without it.
There will be another foreclosure or bankruptcy instead of the hub of relationship nurturing for friends and family I always dreamed of.
Where do you go when a dream dies? Especially if you are a person of faith who clings to faith no matter how challenging life can be.
This week, I found myself talking to God on the way to work. I was reminding him how, 12 years ago, my tween-age son cried out:
“Mamma, DON’T PRAY! Every time you pray things only get worse.”
Through tears I whispered, “But, prayer is all I have left. I will never stop praying.”
I’m older now and way more battle weary. This time when his words reach out through the fog of time to brush my heart again, I say:
You know what, God? Maybe he was right all along. Who are you? What is all this loss about anyway? All these years, I told him you had a plan and purpose and could redeem anything we lost in a day when it suits your plans.
I keep waiting for the redemption part, but honestly, I wonder. Maybe my son was right all along. Maybe this time . . . maybe I just won’t pray this time. I’ve said it all anyway – in more variations of the themes than I can count.
I’m looking for a glimpse of redemption that will make my faith worth holding onto this time. Who are you? Who am I? This is not how it was all supposed to be.
In my day job, I keep telling broken folks about how you are too sweet not to trust. Most of them never know my life is burning down around my ears even as I comfort them. Yet, I keep telling them you can be trusted with anything life can throw at them. Maybe I’m the world’s worst hypocrite?
Silence roars in my ears till it fees like my eardrums will rupture. I’m so dizzy I need to slam on the brakes.
I am used to the silence. It haunts me, taunts me, and leaves a bitterness on my tongue and sting in my heart.
I knew I was at a crossroads and had a choice to make. I could turn my back on the faith that hasn’t failed me but sure hasn’t relieved me of all life’s woes either.
Or, I could double down, hunker down and keep at it one more day.
A battle cry began to build in my soul. My battered, broken, weary soul that does.not.want.to.fight.ONE.more.battle began to fight back against the void.
A plan began to form. Somehow, I knew it had to involve you and you and you and you. Are you are looking at a broken life in smoldering ashes too? What’s going on here between the pages of this site is for you too.
There are too many of us trying to redefine who we are in the face of heartbreaking, never-ending losses and doing it in wordless and isolated agony.
I asked myself: “What do I do now? How do I start rebuilding?”
The answer came floating back: “From the ground up, how else? “
And so, today, I start rebuilding from the ground up. And, I want you to come along on the journey with me if you will – especially if you too are rebuilding your life from the ground up.
Amplified Bible (AMP)
“Do not remember the former things,
Or ponder the things of the past.
“Listen carefully, I am about to do a new thing,
Now it will spring forth;
Will you not be aware of it?
I will even put a road in the wilderness,
Rivers in the desert.